Lawyers

Imagine if you lived in a lawyer’s world: This is a world where you are sought after, and people are desperate to hear you speak. They will pay you thousands before you do anything at all, then they will pay you hundreds of dollars per each hour you converse, just to have you on their side.

Although this goes against everything we know about any kind of business, Lawyers regularly practice in this manner.

Common business practice states: NEVER pay somebody up front. If they have your money, they may never work for you. You will wind up chasing them to either get your money back, or to get them to do the work which they have already been paid for.

But you – the lawyer – reassure your clients. You will absolutely spend all their money. In fact, it is your job to make sure that the thousands they have shelled out is just the beginning. So they should not worry. You will do your part.

It is amazing we ever trust these creatures with anything at all. Here is the premise: The Lawyer represents YOU. If you ever paid a lawyer to ask their legal advise on whether you should pay someone up-front, they would likely tell you that is a bad idea. (But not before you paid them your retainer.)

We buy into this premise for the following reasons:

1.) Lawyers don’t have enough confidence in their own abilities to believe you will pay, once you see how they work.

2.) Lawyers need money up front because they aren’t good enough to win in court battling you over your fees.

3.) With full knowledge of #1 and #2, we prove to be the suckers we are, allowing them the leeway to conduct business however they choose.

I love lawyers. They shlep the gonads to live this bravado with near-legal impunity.

But I just wish we were smart enough to insist on passing A LAW – making it illegal for any member of Congress to serve office – if they have ever passed a bar exam.

Imagine: Just changing this one ‘little’ thing would completely alter the political landscape of our country.

But who am I?